WhatsApp to Janet: Hi Janet, I need some hotels booked for the party conferences. Nothing fancy, just decent business hotels. I’m a man of very simple needs. No pretensions and low maintenance — although a view of the beach for Lib Dems in Bournemouth wouldn’t go amiss. I may have some kind of loyalty membership for one of the chains but it’s not worth much more than a complementary coffee between 9pm and midnight in certain locations.
WhatsApp to Janet: No, don’t book me there.
WhatsApp to Janet: Or there. I’ve emailed some thoughts.
Hi Janet, So I don’t want to spend a fortune. A clean, comfortable business hotel is fine. Preferably no more than 15 mins walk away from the conference venue. Or maybe five mins in Liverpool since it always seems to rain there.
Please steer clear of the “playful” places. For god’s sake, spare me from a business hotel with personality. That just means you have to check-in at the bar and they have some incongruous decoration in the lobby. Last time I was in Birmingham I stayed at a Moxy. The only playful thing about it was trying to find the communal ironing room, since they didn’t provide one in my quarters. There was also no cupboard since an open rail was more playful. Going by the website, you’d assume every suite was inhabited by young, glamorous guests, draped across the bed snapping selfies. Alas, the most fun I’ve had in my room was a double pepperoni pizza.
The place was basically fine and it was very convenient, but I wish they didn’t bother with these tweaks. Apparently it’s aimed at a younger market segment, those cool types who dig having a breakfast buffet next to the reception area.
I once stayed in a place where all the floors had names rather than numbers. I mean seriously, where’s the fun in not being able to work out which button to press in the lifts. Another had no table or desk to work at. I think Doubletree hands out free warm cookies on check-in. That’s all the playfulness I need.
I want a totally faceless corporate hotel with no aspirations to charm beyond being nicely lit and having a pleasant bar/restaurant. I prefer not to look out on to a car park, or straight into an office opposite. But even that doesn’t matter if the curtains are decent. And what is this thing about not having windows that open even a crack? Do you really want a room that never gets aired?
Hilton, Crowne Plaza, even Holiday Inn if central are all good. Hyatt is too pricey for this trip. I just need, clean and comfortable with reliable WiFi and a mattress that doesn’t double as a jail bench. I can even stomach a Premier Inn if it’s close though try not to test me on that statement.
Above all, I want somewhere where there are only two taps in the shower, one to turn it on and one to control temperature. And I’d love it if they were marked so I didn’t have to guess.
Most of all, I want light switches near to the lights they operate. The last place I stayed had eight switches for four lights and you had to press them in the right order. There are nuclear codes which are easier to crack. Oh and is it too much to ask that the flashing dot that tells you there is a motion sensor, be at least a shade less dazzling than the lighthouse at Alexandria. Also no rooms next to the lift please.
I’d love to book somewhere without those key cards that always lose their power between the reception and your room, but I know that’s asking too much. Oh and somewhere where they don’t require me to have checked out before Farming Today has finished.
Basically, what I want is a hotel room that doesn’t require me to read an instruction manual in advance. And would it kill them to give you some fresh milk? And a TV that just functioned as a TV, rather than doubling as a launch console for a SpaceX rocket.
My dream business hotel scenario for this trip is somewhere that it is not worth mentioning in conversation. I mean, we all like an anecdote but just once I’d like to come back with nothing interesting to say about it. Hope that’s not too limiting.
Thanks Rutherford
WhatsApp to Janet: An Ibis! OK I may have overstated my taste for simplicity. Maybe find out about the Hyatt?
Messages recovered by Robert Shrimsley
